Never take anything for granted. friends of now, friends of the past, friends of the future, "enemies", struggles, successes, achievements, failures, weaknesses, strengths. This past year has taught me so much about seeing the beautiful in the illusionary "ugly" and recognizing my own strength when i felt the most weak. The gratitude for each and every experience is immeasurable. I want to send all of my love to everyone, especially those who has had the patience to see me through my journey, stood by me and encouraged me even while I battled myself in shame, frustration and doubt so that when I finally accepted the abundance of love, beauty and opportunity by which I am surrounded, i could shed my protective layers and surrender to it.
I want to use this blog to share my experiences,struggles,interests, passions, my (however immature) wisdom, insight and most of all, my unconditional LOVE to the people who seek it. We all go through our moments of weakness. We feel we have nothing to offer, that whatever it is that we "need" is somehow being withheld from us because we are undeserving. I have felt that. I have been there, and stayed there way too long. Sometimes I find myself wandering back out of habit, but I quickly recognize now that it is too uncomfortable to stay.
I used to feel like no one offered me love, I couldn't ever make money, couldn't make friends, and like I just couldn't make find happiness and was so sure I never would. Everyday was an internal struggle, trying to find my way while trying to find what I loved while trying to fake a sense of happiness for the outside world. I but on a smile because i didn't want to draw attention to my moods. I didn't want people to ask me what was wrong because my troubles seemed petty, sprouted from expectation hangovers and disappointments from situations past. Deep down, I was ashamed because a part of me was aware that what I was truly seeking was not something that was missing, it was something I needed to look at in a different perspective. I didn't know how to change my perspective and didn't want to admit that I was, in all actuality, the speaker of the house to my own perspectives with my own little agenda of self-pity. It was easy ignore, so continued to seek only immediate gratification, instant positive repercussion for an action or profound realization I just made. What I didn't realize was that by expecting an immediate return (which I NEVER GOT) I would dig myself deeper into my unhappiness, my shame and my victim mentality. I was so good to everyone, why was the world so cruel to poor, misunderstood, middle class, long-haired, sweet-hearted empathetic nurturing self sacrificing little me? I couldn't figure it out, but in June of 2011 at the very end of my rope, desperate for something new, the universe allotted me an obvious opportunity to reevaluate. I followed my intuition, trusting for the first time without even realizing in a force greater than my own logic (knowing logically that my logic would lead me once again to expectations and subsequently, disappointment). I set my ALL expectations aside and allowed things to begin to unfold, and they started to faster than I could ever imagined. Getting rid of my expectations and ravenous appetite for instant gratification was a slow, conscious effort, but the real gratification that I was seeking in all the wrong ways started to finally settle in, and as I started to feed that gratification with gratitude for the infinitely abundant, it started to overflow.
Eckheart Tolle, describes this victim mentality and feeling of lack of abundance as a natural egoistic phenomenon, sequestered in our self-synthesized "pain-body". No matter how much we are given or how much we have, we will very cleverly allow ourselves to feel that there is something else that everyone else has that makes them happy. Our formerly useful ego which used this pattern to recognize and seek necessities for survival back in times of scarcity is now causing us emotional turmoil because of all the free time our conveniences have given us to recognize or create an illusion of scarcity to occupy our minds and give ourselves something to suffer for, even now that we have no reason to suffer.
We have everything that we need. If you are reading this, you obviously have everything you need to survive, but what is it that you seek? What do you feel you are missing? Is it love? is it money? is it happiness? is it direction? What sensation of "lack" are you feeding your pain-body with? Recognize "it", and do the opposite with "it" from what victim-you would do. One reason you feel "it" is not in abundance in your life is probably because "it" is something that you personally are withholding from the world. If you feel unloved, it is probably because you are sequestering your love of the world and everyone in it to yourself, expecting that it will not come back to you if you give it away. If you feel like you have no money, give it away and hinder your expectations of it coming back to you in a materialistically pleasing way. Experience how it feels like to give to a charity, and to only expect that your contribution is going to generate the greatest good for something bigger than yourself. Then watch how easily that money comes back to you through a couple hours of hard work, a small sacrifice in your Costco trip or a reevaluation of your personal "necessities". Was it worth it? If you expected nothing, you might be extremely pleasantly surprised by the sensation of abundance you begin to grasp.
The world is not out to hide things you wish away from you, the gifts of the universe are readily at the disposal of everyone who lives and breathes this beautiful fresh mountain air (in salt lake city) and everyone else around the entire globe. The simplest way to recognize this abundance is through the act of PRESENCE, simply being content with just being in this very moment. Through presence, we renounce expectation and logic, the reactive fuel of the pain-body and victim mentality. We rid ourselves of that little voice (which IS NOT YOURS, btw!) that tells us things are not the way they should be, or that the way we are doing things is wrong, or the way everyone else is doing everything is wrong. Presence allows us to see the "rightness" of everything in it's place or situation, even if our hightened awareness allows us to see that it may not be right for the future. However, Where it is RIGHT NOW is exactly where it SHOULD BE right now, and so are you.
Namaste,
Alyssa
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